1.Wear clothes of two colors: your choice of black or white (sometimes gray, brown, cream are O.K.)
2. Own an alphanumeric pager with a built in answering machine.
3. Own a cellular phone with a built in answering machine and Caller ID.
4. Have only Asian friends.
5. Speak only Asian languages.
6. Dress as though you're headed for a party when you're actually going to class.
7. If you're a girl, be sure to stuff your bra.
8. If you're a guy, be sure to soup up your Acura Integra.
9. Smoke even if you don't know how to, especially if you're with friends.
10. Travel only in groups of ten and above to parties or the mall.
11. Go to all the cool Asian "intercollegiate parties!"
12. Refuse to dance to anything but techno music.
13. Whenever in groups of ten or more Asians, stare menacingly at all other Asians.
14. Dance in circles at all parties and clubs.
15. If you're a guy, be sure to cop cheap feels of girls you like!
16. If you're a girl, be sure to run your fingers through your hair each time you see a hot guy!
17. Wear only designer labels (Especially Nautica, Armani Exchange, & Ralph Lauren)
18. Make sure designer labels are extremely visible. Better yet, make sure that the make is emblazoned on the front of the apparel
19. Own a pair of "Doc Martens".
20. Be very good at pool. Own a cue stick if you can, even if you know nothing about them.
21. Make sure your parents are doctors, or better yet, grocery store owners.
22. Believe in barn jackets, J. Crew, Nautica, or Polo Sport. (Forget about Tommy Hilfiger. Haven't you heard he's racist?)
23. Make sure you install every possible option you can in your Acura, Honda, Lexus, Infiniti, or Mercedes.
24. If you're a girl, live, breathe and DIE Sanrio. Sanrio clothes, purses, pencil cases, tattoos, etc. No coolness points go to you if you're a guy, though. (Possible exception being Badzmaru, the new Sanrio crow character which doesn't smile.)
25. Own a Honda, Acura, Infiniti, Lexus, or Mercedes.
26. Date only someone that a friend of yours has already dated.
27. Be an officer in the ASU/KSA/CSA of your respective school.
28. Be a Christian pretending to actually care about the religion.
29. Use church as a social ground to meet potential dates.
30. If you're a guy, make sure you have the TAF (Typical Asian Fade) and double the coolness points if you use enough mousse to wipe out the ozone over Greenland.
31. If you're a girl, make sure your hair is colored with tinges of brown or red for optimal coolness.
32. Two words: Manhattan Portage.
33. If you're a guy, don't be embarassed that your penis is small. Instead, simply make sure that its size is inversely related to the loudness of your car's engine.
34. If you're a girl, don't be embarassed about your small chest. Instead, make sure that its size is inversely related to the amount of makeup on your face.
35. If you're a girl, weigh no more than 75 lbs.
36. If you're a Korean girl, have eye surgery done so you can look like a goldfish.
37. Date only the people from your own clique, or even "a cooler one!"
38. If you're in a group of ten or more friends, stare menacingly at all interracial couples you see.
39. If you're a guy, start having insecurities and complain about the theft of your women.
40. If you're a girl... well, Asian men never date interracially anyway.
41. There must be a stringy-oriental looking ornament hanging from the mirror of your souped up car.
42. Never be on time when meeting your friends or going to parties.
43. If you're a girl, wear a jade necklace or a gold one with "fu" meaning luck on it.
44. If you're a guy, never say hi to a girl. Either lift one eyebrow, nod your chin (very cocky), or wink (the most annoying one)
45. Carry around at least 1000 pictures of your friends in your wallet-of Asian people of course.
46. If you're a guy, your wallet has to be a designer brand and leather. For girls, same or a Sanrio one.
47. If you're a girl, curl your eyelashes until they touch your eyebrows.
48. Girls, wear dark lipstick. Red and brown only.
49. To achieve the natural look, apply layers and layers of make-up. If it starts to look unnatural (heaven forbid), add another layer.
50. Guys must wear their choice of: Eternity, Escape, Ck One, or Cool Water.
You Know You're A Real Asian When....
01) You carry a pager in your right pocket, flipped inward, whether its activated or not.
(02) Your bangs are either long enough for you to touch with your tongue, or your hair is gelled up in spikes hard enough to impale small mammals.
(03) You're so caught up in name brand shit, your pocket lint is labeled Calvin Klein.
04) Your vocabulary consists of "pimp, mack, wack" and as much as you can remember from the ebonics dictionary.
05) You go to asian parties, and you can't find your car since it looks like.
every other civic or integra.
06) Your screen name consists of Azn, and every word in the profile is written in alternating lower case/capital letters.
07) You can never address a friend without calling them "foo."
08) You use the letter "z" in every other word when chatting.
09) Your girlfriend has enough make-up to be accepted into Clown College.
10) You never fit that old asian stereotype of "all yellow skinned slant eyes are smart."
11) You enter chatrooms with "representin Westsiiiiiiide," or "any foin ladees in da house?"
12) You pick up chicks who wear shoes 2 inches away from stilts. (see # 9)
13) You call people "peepz" since two syllables is too complex for you.
14) You don't know the names of cities; only area codes.
15) Instead of getting real education, you learn a plethora of nonsensical pager codes. (For god sakes, buy a message pager...if you even need one.)
16) You've never heard of any other sporting wear then Nike. (Reebok? What's that?)
17) You can't buy a shirt unless it's priced over $50 and has a collossal sized Tommy Hilfiger, or Polo label.
18) You're not a basketball player; you're a baller.
19) You've never bought a pair of pants that were less than 5 sizes bigger than your real waste.
20) You're an exact carbon-copy of your friends. (for their traits, see 1-19)
21) You claim asian pride wherever you go.